”We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness'."
It's baffling how your life can change so drastically in what seems no time at all. I often find myself questioning my whole being and especially the decisions I've made through out my life. Is this what I want? Am I happy? Will I ever be?
I think that’s all any of us are looking for. Happiness.
I've always thought that part of my happiness was the happiness of the people I surround myself with. I was also very afraid to be alone. It wasn't until someone very close to me pointed out how ludicrous it was, that I had actually realized that I should and can step away from this fear. I began to see so much more while just walking and watching and experiencing things on my own. I am very much a ‘people person’ however I am slowly changing. I am slowly becoming a little less afraid of having no witness.
On the virtual pages to follow you will read the many meanderings of my existence. I figure those who read it may become my witnesses.
So here we go…
A bit about me:
I am 24 years old, I am one of seven children , I am a friend, I am a cousin, I am a granddaughter, I am a roommate, I am a student, I am a professional, I am a patient.
I am a mess…
I grew up moving around quite a bit until I reached 2nd grade and my parents had finally settled in Princeton, MA. I was quite the little tom boy so I spent a decent amount of my time running around in the wooded area in our neighborhood and learning as many new sports as possible. My sisters were all mostly cheerleaders and girl scouts. While I tried the Girl Scout route, the only parts I ever really enjoyed were the thin mints and the camping, so I quit. I directed my attention to basketball, baseball, and soccer. I loved soccer. I still do, although I haven’t played in years now. Something about the smell of dirt and sweat and my burning hot face from running around non-stop was just, intoxicating. As I get older I find that there are quite a few things that elicit this somewhat of an intoxicated state. Oddly enough, none of which include alcohol.
Through out middle school and high school I was fairly shy. I made close friends with the girls I had grown up with finally and began to realize that life and experiences outside of my house were always so much better, happier and less stressful. I practically lived at my friends houses. I hated being home, even though leaving made me worried too. When I left for college things were going to change. I would have freedom and distance and a life of my own.
They did superficially but underneath it was all the same. I was still constantly worried and dealing with one dramatic crisis after the other. (These issues you may not be privy to. All in good time.) So I drank my way through college. I worked all the time and went to class and drank what money I didn’t spend on school and books. Senior year I was diagnosed with ADHD. HAHAHAHAHAHA this was pretty hilarious seeing as I was 21 and nearly through my college education. I switched my major in hope to graduate on time with my friends and left school with three classes. Moved to LA to get the hell away from life and stayed for a year. I loved it and hated it. I spent way too much money and made many mistakes…all of which I have learned from. Now I am back on the East Coast, and while I miss the west coast immensely, I know I am where I need to be and I am finally moving in a direction for my future. One small step at a time I am getting there.
Last night I signed my first lease. As we took a final walk around the house what we will soon be living in I felt tears brim up in my eyes and realized that I’ll finally be home…I’ll finally have a place that’s just as much mine as it is the people’s I will be living with. I will finally have even say and pull on house decisions and I can have a say over the environment I am living in. This is huge for me. When growing up, home was never home, I was always looking to go to someone else’s house to escape my own. When I left for college it was a bit better but every time those long summer breaks came around I was brought back to reality, college is not home. And while this is only a lease, I still will have the security I need and I will have given it to myself. They say you don’t appreciate things unless you have truly earned them…well I think I’ve worked towards this for quite a while now and man…am I grateful. So, here is to new beginnings *which I have had quite a few of*, and to being that one step closer towards happiness…happiness with my own life, the one I am building on my own…independently. Cheers!
